A Mother's Love

I was writing this last night, in my head, after I went to bed. My brain just couldn't shut off. Of course I was trying to write before that and it seemed to have already fallen asleep. But as I was lying there in my mom's guest room, with my son asleep in his pack and play, this immense feeling rushed over me. I was warm all a sudden and I couldn't help but smile. I was so tried that all I was looking at was the inside of my eye lids and I was smiling. For a second I couldn't recall why I was so happy or the last time I had felt so warm. And I realized it was because of my son. I laid there listening to him breath and move around. 

Now most mothers would find this a natural state, but for me it is not. I was not one of those mother who instantly fell in love with their child. Now looking at the pictures you must wonder why I could not. But that instantaneously feeling I was suppose to experience, less than one minute after birth never came. It came a few months after. But because of all the other stress in my life (like husband going AD in Army, dealing with buyers from hell and moving 6 states away from home) I think it put a hold on that feeling. But last night I really felt it. I was even overwhelmed by it, I wanted to cry. I wanted to go over and pick him up and put him in bed with me, just so I could be near him. I have felt this before after DH got home from Iraq. But never with my son. So I started thinking.

How much can you really love someone? There is no word in any man made dictionary to describe the immense and overwhelming feeling that fills your heart. The realization of loving some one so much is indescribable. It leaves you speechless. But how do you measure love? There is no chart, no tally to keep. No measurable device to keep track of intangible feelings. But I guess herein lies the answer - love is intangible there for there is no way to measure how much you really love a person. All you can do is look at them every moment you have and tell them. Whether it is with your eyes or your lips, tell them so often they will never forget. So often that when they grow old and their memory fades, the words "I love you" in your voice still rings in their ears. That it lulls them to sleep at night knowing they don't remember how to drive anymore, but they remember the feeling they get when they remember those three words.